Blizzards

 

Right now I am sitting on the couch next to a snoring dog and I am happy.  Today has been a good day.  A little grocery shopping in the morning, some on and off studying for a midterm all day, a three and a half mile run with my dog with a stop at a dog park, some dinner, some more studying. 

            Nothing out of the ordinary happened today except for the fact that I realized that is a good thing.  Let me be clear.  I am not out to be an ordinary average person, and in fact strive not to be.  Most of my life choices reflect that.  I became a theater major instead of a journalism major in college, I decided to peruse acting when I graduated, but was adamant about not living in New York City, I started taking ballet when I was 21, I have become a yoga teacher, a children’s drama teacher, and now a massage student.

            Along the way I have learned some hard but good lessons.  I will never be happy with a 9-5 office job.  I cannot have an acting career while working 60hrs a week.  Some things in life are worth working really hard for.  It’s hard not to get sucked into work craziness no matter what your job is.  Not all people are good to other people. 

I am a pretty reflective person and spend a lot of time thinking and feeling.  Everything that happens requires lots of thought, lots of what ifs, lots of questions and lots of wonder how it will make me feel, or make someone else feel.  Very little along the way has come simply or easily.  Every choice, decision, action, or event is surrounded by a little flurry of emotional and mental activity.

            I tend to equate this activity with awareness and I think in some ways alive-ness.  As an actor I always thought I needed to feel everything all the time so that when I got on stage I could feel then too.  So I used my little blizzards of activity to feel everything.  But the funny thing is, is that when it came to big time important times to feel, I couldn’t really access any deep emotion.  I have felt this on stage, in life, in yoga, everywhere.  Always feeling like I was never quite ready for the big part or the “real” thing.

            To me it seems that all these little blizzards, were doing the opposite of helping me experience life.  They kept me so busy thinking, and worrying and fretting and emoting over little things that I couldn’t pay attention to what lies beneath. If I spend all my time being annoyed with co-workers or class mates how could I ever get really angry about anything on a larger scale?  Animal rights for example or women’s issues.  If I feel hurt by every little dig how can I know what really hurts or recognize what has really hurts?  And if I am busy feeling all these little annoyances all the time and making them as big as I can, where is the space and room to feel huge joy or enormous love?

            I am by no means unhappy.  I love my life.  I have come a long way.  I am happy with who and where I am and I look forward to what’s next.  It’s just that after a long time, actually a life time, of creating constant drama in the name of art and with the idea that that was the right way to live, I am beginning to see and feel that if I just let things be a little bit, I will get to feel more.

            All these little things keep me living small.  Feeling small or feeling that I should be smaller when all I really want is to feel expansive.  So maybe if I can make choices that do not create drama I can connect with what really matters more often.  So that when someone asks how I am today I won’t feel blank and wishy washy about it.  I will know what it feels like to really feel everyday.

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